don't have to be a spider
by spheeris1
Summary: AU :: Ashley POV :: Angst. Espionage. :: One-shot :: A backwards & forwards little tale about loving the enemy.


**I had all these ideas as I drove home. One was serious, one was silly. This is the serious one. Maybe I'll add more to this one day... but I doubt it.**

**I should be writing my research paper.**

/

What is this? Love? Do you automatically call the things you cannot control, but that you give in to, love? What is love?

A steady hand to hold? The same face morning, noon, and night?  
>A call when you are late? That familiar voice whispering in your ear?<p>

Is love always pretty? Can love be ugly? Can love look like a princess from a distance but look like a monster when you get too close?

What is this?

/

_Ashley's faces hurts.  
>A lot. As if she took off running and went straight into a brick wall.<br>Straight into a brick wall with her face._

_That's how much her face hurts._

_It isn't until she turns and twists her hands that she realizes that her wrists hurt, too.  
>As if they are bound too tightly.<br>And they are._

_She'd look up and into the eyes opposite her but what is the point?_

_Ashley doesn't have to be a spider to know that she is caught in a web._

/

Is this love? Is love pain? Is love just another word for sucker?

Are all those faces on the big screen just a never-ending stream of liars? Are you lying to yourself even now? Even as you bleed? Even as you draw near to such a terrible destiny?

Didn't you want to save her?  
>Didn't you want to be the hero?<br>Didn't you do all of this, every single bit of this, for love?

/

_Ashley's running until all the feeling goes out of her legs._

_It's more than she ever did in high school, gym floor loud with sneakers as they pound. It's way more than she even did as a child, large yard and annoying sister and games._

_Ashley's runs as if she can get away from what is waiting for her._

_She runs as if her life depends on it, left hand gripping a gun tightly and a burning at her right side, but she keeps running._

_Running as if there is a shot at living. Running as if there is more to this world than deception._

_Ashley's running like there is something out there, in the universe, just for her and just for her arms to hold and just for her lips to kiss._

_Ashley's running after a vision of blonde hair and after a glimpse of forever._

_Ashley's running but she is getting nowhere fast._

/

You did everything for love, didn't you?

And are you happy now? Are you pleased with the way this has played out? Has love shown its truth to you now? Do the ends justify the means on this day?

Does love forgive you? Does affection wipe away all those sins?

Oh, sweet child, are you brand new in the midst of all these fresh feelings?

Are you finally free?

/

_Each breath is lodged in Ashley's throat and the hallways are narrow and there is usually a limit to all the things she has done before._

_But not this time._

_This time, ignoring the leash around her neck and disregarding the warnings, she goes her own way. She goes her own way and that way will always lead to Spencer._

_Spencer.  
>Such a wild girl. Such a wild card. Such a danger. Such a damn beauty.<br>Spencer.  
>Such a trouble-maker. Such a tease. Such a liability. Such a fucking temptation.<em>

_And Ashley used to make sense. She used to make smart moves and not think about them later. She used to be the last name anyone would want to hear - a knock on the door when its the middle of the night and a secret stolen and a country under her invisible thumb._

_Ashley used to think more than this._

_But not this time._

_This time, she kicks in walls and is ready to fight for something._

_Fight for someone._

/

What is this? Is this love?

Is love the end-all, be-all for you these days?

Are all those previous years like a big joke? A cosmic mistake? Are you able to laugh at yourself these days? Is it funny?

The way you fell? The way you continue to fall? Are you amused?

Can you laugh past the pain? Can you feel the love past the agony, too?

Seriously, what is this?

Is this love?

Or is this just a fantasy?

/

_Ashley is being too careless. Yet, somehow, she cannot find the strength to care._

_It's been so long since she has touched someone and meant every caress. It's been so long since she has needed someone and admitted it._

_It's been so long. All of this has been a long time coming and Ashley knows it._

_She knows it like she knows the sensation of Spencer - the air across her neck, the warmth along her body, the weight of legs and arms, the contentment forgotten, and the strange belief that this can last._

_This can go on and on. This can be for as long as they wish it to be._

_Spencer is no longer just some name on a list.  
>Ashley is no longer just some well-trained spy.<em>

_They are making each other real._

_They are making each other up, too._

_But it's been so long, so very long, since Ashley has felt anything more than cold satisfaction. It's been so long since she has felt anything at all._

_And it's been a long time coming, Ashley knows this._

_It's never been a question of 'will she?', only of 'when?'_

/

Could it be that none of this is real? And you are okay, somewhere far away from this reality?

On a beach, perhaps? Up on a mountain? Racing around the city? Digging up dirt in the country-side?

Are you a million miles from here? In a whole other galaxy?

Up there, in the atmosphere, can you still claim your sorry affliction? Can you still feel your heart beat? Are you still convinced that all of this is worth what is to come?

Are you ready to die?

To die for love?

/

_"Get close enough to keep an eye on her but don't get involved. Okay?"  
>"When have I ever done that?"<br>"She's good at... distracting agents. We don't think she is behind the major activity but she is still a threat. Keep your distance."_

_The papers are handed over. The fake names are given. The lies begin and Ashley slides into them like a hand into a glove._

_"Get the information and then get out."  
>"Fine."<br>"And Davies?"  
>"Hmm?"<br>"Do what you do best."_

_A grin and a nod and then she is on a plane for London. A new dress and communications set up and then she is at a party. A few drinks and a few laughs and then she is set up for three weeks at a nice hotel room_

_Three weeks is enough time to figure out Spencer Carlin._

/

**::end::**


End file.
